I’m not empathic by nature.
Or rather, I don’t have an emotional empathy, mine is more cognitive.
I understand what folk are going through but never share their feelings.
Fortunately my wife is quite similar.
When I spoke to people at work about my Father’s decline and more recently about my Mum’s early signs of dementia I was struck by how many of them waded in with similar tales from their own lives.
Possibly, this was an attempt to communicate their understanding of my emotional state.
However, it fealt clumsy and self indulgent.
The reactions I valued most were passive listening usually followed by open offers of support.
This is how I react when friends and colleagues are emotional or suffering trauma.
Joining in with the wailing or shouting really doesn’t move a situation on much.
We find this a lot with Ashley’s condition.
People will drop their head to one side and show or verbalise pity for the fella.
This shows a complete lack of understanding for his and our feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times when we are in a heightened emotional state because he is havinga seizure, is under General Anaesthetic or just isn’t being treated correctly.
These times are rare though and mostly, like most parents of “disabled” children, we lead happy, loving lives which are actually enriched by our situation. It makes us stronger and less reactive to everyday situations.
Maybe that’s the problem.
When my Father was dying, I appreciated it as a Life Event and I did feel emotion but on reflection it was a fraction of what I felt when my Gran died when I was 30.
When Gill’s parents were passing away, I could offer unemotional support to her giving her the freedom to mourn.
At funerals I tend to be the one holding people up and giving eulogies.
We are who we are so I can’t and won’t castigate people for their ability to share a feeling and an emotional state.
But it’s not my way.
